Metropolis Forecast: 100% Chance of Smiles, 0% Chance of Snyder-Grade Brooding
Look, I get it—if you spent the last decade convincing yourself that brooding equals depth, the idea of Kansas’ favorite sun-powered farm boy actually saving people with a grin probably feels like losing your spot in a Hot Topic clearance line.
Rumors out of the Warner-DCU camp say James Gunn’s “Superman” is shaping up to be—brace yourselves—fun. Early whispers claim Clark is rescuing cats, catching crashing satellites, and maybe even helping old ladies cross the street without snapping a single neck. Naturally, pockets of the SnyderVerse Twitter brigade are already hosting candle-light vigils for their beloved Desaturated Savior, terrified that color grading above “industrial cement gray” could blind them forever.
The panic is palpable. You can practically hear the Zack Snyder “Man of Steel” Blu-rays sobbing on shelves as fans rehearse their talking points:
“Hope is unrealistic.”
“Super-smiles are propaganda.”
“Bright primary colors? Sounds woke.”
Meanwhile, normal moviegoers—those pesky normies who still think “superhero” means hero—are pumped. Picture a Superman who doesn’t need Ghost Dad to pop in via Space-Zoom just to tell him, “Maybe try saving people, sport.” Imagine a Metropolis skyline that isn’t forever stuck on Gotham’s “emo Instagram filter.” Mind-blowing, right? What’s next—Lois Lane actually writing articles instead of live-tweeting alien invasions?
Snyder loyalists swear they’re totally open-minded, though. Sure, they spent the last two years firing off #FireJamesGunn tweets faster than Flash on espresso, but hey, no bias here! Now they predict this sunnier approach will “destroy the character” the same way Christopher Reeve—checks notes—inspired several generations and sold lunchboxes worldwide.
Here’s the real kicker: early marketing teases phrases like “ hope,” and “the human way,” and my personal favorite, “pure Big-Blue-Boy-Scout energy.” For some, that’s a promise; for others, it’s a DEFCON-1 crisis of cinematic faith.
So buckle up. If the leaks are legit, we’re days away from Twitter melting down as Clark Kent hands a kid an ice-cream cone while a battle-worn SnyderCut crusader rage-types, “Where’s the moral ambiguity, bro?!” on a Cherry Coke Zero sticky keyboard.
And to anyone fretting that the DCU is “abandoning realism,” remember: the last time “realism” ruled, our Kryptonian messiah did a concrete-swandive into his own statue. Maybe… just maybe… letting Superman be super again is the palate cleanser we all need.
But hey, if bright colors and actual heroism give you hives, “Zack Snyder’s Justice League” is still streaming on HBO Max… now available in Ninety-Shades-of-Gray Edition.
This is a satire article (just having some fun)
